Your Team Doesn’t Need More Rules

They Need This Instead...

When I first started coaching, I believed that the secret to running a successful program lived in the details of control. If I could write enough rules, if I could anticipate every possible problem and shut it down before it started, then I thought I could build the kind of team that would be disciplined, efficient, and thriving.

Before one of my first seasons, I sat down with a notebook and began scribbling out a list of expectations. Be on time. Sit up straight. Do not talk back. Dress properly. Respect every teammate. No excuses. No missed practices without a doctor’s note. No phones on deck. No jewelry. No food in the locker room. The list went on and on. By the time I finished, the rules were longer than the roster.

And you know what? It did not work.

At first, I could not figure out why. I was convinced I had been thorough. I thought I had covered every angle. But despite the list of rules, the team was inconsistent. The discipline crumbled the moment I was not hovering. Leaders hesitated to lead. Conversations about standards turned into eye rolls and whispers. I was confusing rules with culture. I thought compliance would lead to commitment. It does not.

Compliance produces short term obedience at best. Commitment sustains you when nobody is watching. And commitment does not grow out of a binder full of rules. Commitment is born in relationships, trust, and shared purpose.

I have coached teams with long lists of rules that looked like pharmacy receipts, and I have coached teams that lived by just one: Do what is best for the team. Without hesitation, I can tell you the teams with fewer rules and stronger connections outperformed the rest every single time. The difference was not structure. The difference was trust.

Rules Create Compliance Not Commitment

Rules by themselves are not evil. We need boundaries. We need guidelines. Without them, classrooms become chaos, families spin out of control, and teams lose direction. But rules only take you so far.

Think about the classroom for a moment. You can have a school where students sit quietly because they are afraid of detention. Or you can have a classroom where students sit quietly because they respect the teacher and want to learn. The first is compliance. The second is commitment.

The same principle plays out in athletics. You can force a swimmer to show up on time by threatening punishment. Or you can build a culture where showing up early is a badge of pride because nobody wants to let the team down. The first is rule enforcement. The second is ownership.

And the difference between the two is massive. Compliance fades under pressure. Commitment deepens when tested. Compliance disappears the moment authority leaves the room. Commitment remains when nobody is watching.

This is why more rules often backfire. The longer the list, the more kids start looking for loopholes. The more rules you create, the more energy you spend policing instead of coaching. And the truth is, no rule book can keep up with the creativity of teenagers determined to push boundaries.

What Teams Actually Need

So if rules are not the answer, what is? Over years of coaching, teaching, and parenting, I have learned that teams do not thrive on more restrictions. They thrive on three deeper foundations:

Clear Values. Rules change depending on the season or the circumstance. Values do not. When athletes understand why something matters, they carry it with them into the pool, the classroom, and life. For example, respect for teammates is not about a rule written on paper. It is about the value of treating others with dignity, win or lose.

Shared Ownership. When rules come only from the top, kids follow them reluctantly. When standards are built together, kids defend them fiercely. I have watched teams transform simply because I asked athletes to write down what they wanted to be known for. Suddenly, it was not the coach’s culture. It was their culture.

Real Connection. The stronger the relationships, the fewer rules you need. When kids feel seen and valued, they do not want to disappoint one another. A rule about punctuality is no match for the bond of a teammate who texts, “I need you at practice today.”

A Story About Letting Go

I remember one particular season where I learned this lesson the hard way. I had just finished one of my long lists of rules and handed it out to the team at our preseason meeting. I thought I had done the right thing. I thought I was setting the tone. But halfway through the year, things were unraveling. Small cliques formed. Seniors were going through the motions. Younger kids were checking out.

Out of frustration, I called a meeting. I expected to lecture. Instead, I decided to listen. I asked them one question: “What do you want this team to stand for?”

At first, silence. Then slowly, hands went up. They talked about wanting a team that supported each other. They talked about wanting effort to matter more than talent. They wanted practices that pushed them but also bonded them. And as they spoke, I realized something painful but freeing: none of them mentioned my rules. Not one.

From that day on, we started building something different. Instead of reviewing rules every week, we started reviewing values. Instead of me handing out punishments, captains started holding conversations. Instead of me guarding the culture, we all owned it together.

By the end of the season, it was the most connected team I had ever coached. And it had nothing to do with my original binder of rules.

The Classroom Connection

This principle does not stop at the pool. As a teacher, I see it every day. Some teachers begin the year by slamming down a rule sheet. No phones. No late work. No talking. No food. And within weeks, they are exhausted from chasing compliance.

The classrooms that thrive are different. They are the ones where students know why expectations exist. They are the ones where kids feel like they belong, so they respect the space. They are the ones where the teacher models consistency, so the rules do not need to be shouted.

I once had a student who tested every boundary. He pushed back on everything, and no list of rules could contain him. What changed him was not more restrictions. What changed him was connection. Once he knew I cared, once he trusted I was on his side, he began to regulate himself. That is the power of relationship over rule.

Parenting Parallels

The same pattern shows up at home. Parents can create endless lists of rules for screen time, curfews, chores, and language. And those rules may work in the short term. But the deeper goal of parenting is not compliance. It is character.

When kids understand the values of respect, responsibility, and honesty, they will eventually apply those values without constant supervision. If parenting is only about enforcing rules, the moment a child has freedom, they will push back or hide. If parenting is about building values and connection, the moment a child has freedom, they will apply what they have internalized.

Rules are external. Values are internal. Rules are temporary. Relationships are lasting.

What Leaders Can Do Instead

So what does this mean for you if you are a coach, a teacher, a parent, or a leader of any kind?

It means stop adding rules and start adding conversations. Instead of piling on restrictions, create moments for reflection. Instead of policing every detail, empower kids to own the standards. Instead of posting a list on the wall, let them write the words they want to live by.

Ask questions. What do we want to be known for? How do we want to treat each other? What kind of culture will make us proud when the season ends? The answers to those questions will always carry more weight than any rule you can draft.

And when violations happen, and they will, treat them as opportunities to reinforce values rather than just enforce punishment. A broken rule can be patched with discipline. A broken value requires conversation, accountability, and repair. That is the harder work, but it is the work that lasts.

The Simple Truth

At the end of the day, your team does not need more rules. Your classroom does not need more restrictions. Your family does not need a bigger list taped to the refrigerator. They need connection. They need clarity. They need ownership.

Because rules do not inspire. Rules do not build loyalty. Rules do not create belief.

Relationships do.

So the next time you are tempted to add another line to the list, pause. Instead, add a conversation. Ask a question. Share a story. Build a bond. Because in the end, culture is not enforced. Culture is lived.

And when the season is over, when the classroom is quiet, when the kids have grown and moved on, they will not remember the list of rules you wrote. They will remember the way you made them feel, the values you instilled, and the trust you built.

That is what lasts.